handwritten;

[telvanni]

I have spent the last week painstakingly enchanting a small selection of high quality magical staves. Since I am a wizard, I find my own powers of spellcasting are more than sufficient for my needs. As such, I do not actually need the staves I have made. They were produced simply as a way to hone my craft; nothing more.

This means I am giving them away to certain parties that may be in need of them. If you would like an enchanted staff that fires elemental blasts at your foes, you need only make your case to me. Preference will be given to applicants who as of yet possess no useful echoes and agree to submit to some harmless tests.

No time-wasters.

Comments

[telvanni]

[ With a sigh, he surfaces from behind the counter. With the utmost ceremony and gravitas, he deposits a cane on it. A wooden cane with a dollar sign carved on the top and spray painted gold. Behold!

That's right.

Jovan gets a MAGICAL PIMP CANE. ]

Then this belongs to you. If you could lay your hands on it and tell me what you feel?

[ While magically-inclined people or people with significant intelligence should feel a buzzing energy, people who are less so will feel it less keenly - at minimum, just a mild tingling in the fingertips. UR CALL LISA. ]

[grannyfucker]

[AND MY CALL IS THAT, in contrast to his past self, Jovan is actually fairly intelligent, so when he wraps a hand around it, he lets go and recoils for a second. He wasn't expecting to feel anything--it's just some pole, after all.

But he tries again, this time with a bit more caution but also holding on to try and get a feel for it.]

It's...it's like a buzzing in my arm.

Is that supposed to happen?

[telvanni]

[ Nathaniel claps his hands together gleefully. GOOD RESULTS MAKE HIM SO HAPPY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. ]

It certainly is. Come! We shall test if you are capable of using it.

[ If he was wearing wizardly robes and could swish them dramatically to go with his theatrical pronouncement, he would. As things are, he's wearing a green sweatervest. It doesn't have quite the same flair.

Still! He heads out the back door of the shop, which leads to a little walled-in yard with a rock garden. THE TESTING GROUNDS! ]

[grannyfucker]

[Jovan hesitates, but eventually does follow him out the back door. And thank goodness he did, too, because that shop is WAY too stuffy to be standing around in while wearing all these layers.]

Okay...and? What now?

[telvanni]

Grasp your staff firmly -

[ Don't laugh, asshole, he will fry your ass ]

- and focus on the energy within it. Then point it at the stones -

[ With a nod towards the rockery ]

- and will the power to leave the staff. Intent is all you need. It's exceedingly simple.

[grannyfucker]

[Oh, he gets the joke, but right now he's got more important things to deal with.

Like fucking MAGIC, apparently!

Jovan grabs the staff with both hands for extra steadiness and aims it at the rocks. He isn't sure how to "focus on energy" or "will the power" to do anything (what is this medieval fantasy bullshit), so it takes him a good thirty seconds of standing there pointing the thing and holding his breath before he gets any results.

But then, sure enough, lightning shoots out of the dollar-sign and strikes the stones. Jovan stumbles back a few steps, but when he catches sight of the rock, charred and smoking, he starts laughing--weakly and breathy, but laughing all the same.]

Holy shit!

[He didn't just grasp that staff, he clutched it by the ball and fired that baby like a gun!

Now if only he could be that good in bed.]

[telvanni]

Language. A most satisfactory result!

[ Excuse him a second while he pulls out a tatty little notepad and a pencil. GOTTA TAKE NOTES. ]

Mmyes - if you could hand the staff back for a moment, so I can assess the remaining enchantment?

[ He tucks his pencil into the pocket of his sweatervest and holds out his hand. ]

[grannyfucker]

[SCREW YOU, OLD MAN, I'LL BE AS VULGAR AS I WANT

...he just doesn't have a reason to right now.

Even though he has no idea what he's saying--remaining enchantment? what?--Jovan hands him the staff.]

[telvanni]

[ Nathaniel studies the staff carefully. Another good result - very little power has been drained from the staff. He hands it back with a nod. ]

It should last you a good amount of use yet. When the buzzing is almost too weak for you to feel, you may return to me to have the enchantment restored. Assuming this isn't merely in a matter of days, I shan't charge you for the service.

[grannyfucker]

[He takes the staff back and nods through his four layers of headwear at Nathaniel.]

Alright.

So...is that it?

[telvanni]

[ EYEROLL.................. ]

It certainly is. Unless, perhaps, you were waiting for me to reveal my true axe-murderer nature and kill you?

[grannyfucker]

No. [ :||||

He turns around to leave, but just before he does, he remembers his manners.]

Uh, thanks.

[Alright, that out of the way, he heads back into the shop and leaves through the front door wanting really really badly to hold the staff up like the dramatic and triumphant last shot of an incredibly popular film but then remembers that there is a dollar sign on the top of this thing and he is in PUBLIC, oh my god.

He shoves the top of the cane inside his jacket and crosses his arms so it's out of view, but he still looks like a total weirdo--just not a pimp.

Nathaniel won't see it, but when Jovan gets home he is going to carefully prop it up against the wall by his closet. He has absolutely no idea what he is going to do with it, but the important thing is, he has it.]