[text] this post is as anonymous as the network will possibly allow

[grannyfucker]

Did you really think we wouldn't find you? That this network was safe and we'd never discover it?

Well here's a newsflash, my freaky friends: you were wrong. We know how to find you, and now that we can get onto this network, we'll even be able to get those of you who are hiding. We even know all of the people who used to be one of you. We have all the information on you little monsters we could possibly want, and then some. Nowhere is safe for you now.

Consider this your five-minute head start.

-Chief of Police, Simon Edwards

Comments

audio;

[drama8om8]

OH MY GOD WHAT

audio;

[wirsinddiejager]

OCTAVIA DON'T TALK TO HIM

[text]

[grannyfucker]

You're not as hidden as you thought you were, now, are you?

Audio

[glorifiedtrash]

[...There is so much wrong here he doesn't know where to start.]

That's a little odd coming from you of all people.

[text]

[grannyfucker]

What is?

[part_time_overlord]

OH FUCK.

Uh...uh...

[Slams laptop shut immediately.]

[text]

[grannyfucker]

[in person, Jovan is laughing heartily behind his computer screen. This is so much better than he ever could've imagined.]

Don't worry, we won't forget you when we start rounding up all you freaks!

[Video] 1/?

[originaloddcouple]

Hello Mr. Edwards!

Welcome to the networ-

[Video]

[originaloddcouple]

[Hey, let's actually process this so we can HOLY SHIT.]

[ Text ]

[throughtears]

Assuming that there is some sort of validity in such a claim, there a two problems with your statement.

One. If you're able to connect to the network then, by default, you are now included amongst the user-base. Turning one of us in, would by extension, mean turning yourself in.
Two. A lack of evidence. Conversations upon the network are only visible to those currently reading them. Attempts at recording the network have shown nothing but blank surfaces.

I suppose for a third point one could point out that a competent officer would not alert suspects but that should go without saying.

[ Text ]

[grannyfucker]

<font face="courier>1. You say that as if I'm one of you freaks. But I'm not. 2. I don't need evidence. I'm the chief--what I say goes. 3. (BONUS!) I like giving my targets a fighting chance.</font>

[text]

[hawaiianheir]

[Mac is, as always, eloquent.]

pics or gtfo

[text]

[grannyfucker]

[FUCK.

HE SHOULD'VE EXPECTED THIS.]

This isn't the Internet.

[Video]

[chalicejoker]

[Hajime has his doubts that this is legitimate. It doesn't add up with the police's previous behavior. They wouldn't waste time making a post like this. Still, he's annoyed, and he's assumed his horrible bug monster form and found the most generic backdrop he can for his reply.]

Then come and get me.

[action] 1/2

[grannyfucker]

[SWEET JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT]

text;

[waltharius]

Why would you even bother to warn us in advance?

[ He's trying to apply logic but he's still pretty dang scared. Oh well, the 'police chief' can't see that he's hugging a pillow right now. It's easy to act semi-tough on the sort-of-internet. ]

text;

[grannyfucker]

It'd be too easy otherwise.

text;

[wannabered]

Considering this network seems to be a thing that's literally only in our heads. Yeah. I thought it was pretty safe. Oh, or is this what that machine with the harvested brains was about?

Oh well, we've got robots, a giant bug, and werewolves. We ought to be safe enough.

text;

[grannyfucker]

Robots, werewolves, and a giant bug didn't seem to do you much good against that monster you all saw a few weeks ago. What, it was two or three dozen of you up against this thing and you couldn't take it out?

Text

[dead_black_eyes]

That doesn't sound much like him. I thought you might like to know, for next time.

Text

[grannyfucker]

Oh yeah? And how would you know that?

[testsonseashells]

Pathetic impersonation attempt. Have seen better in high-school theater productions.

[grannyfucker]

And you make a pathetic bot attempting to impersonate a human! Here's a hint: human beings tend to use pronouns!

Do you have trouble figuring out captchas too?

text

[synonymouswithdookie]

WHATEVER THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE I SWEAR TO FUCK IT ISN'T MY FAULT

text;private

[detectivetroll]

Calm down, man, there's no way this guy's legit.

text;

[sassymaru]

You know. There's a real distinct lack of police activity here at the station for a five minute head-start...

Sure you didn't mean five hours... sir?

text;

[grannyfucker]

It was a metaphor! Come on, catch up to the rest of us who didn't have any problems understanding it.

[text]

[detectivetroll]

7/10 for effort, man. And for getting teenagers to believe you.

[text]

[grannyfucker]

As they should! They're certainly smarter than you are, trying to give my post a rating while you're about to die.

[earnedmystripes]

[There's about ten seconds of panic when he sees this post--and then he realizes. His name, face, rank, and personal cell phone number are on this network. If they had honestly been compromised, he would literally be dead right now.]

Bullshit.

[grannyfucker]

What makes you so sure?

Voice. Cellphone.

[flamberge]

[Stare.

STARE.

SIGH.

Goddamn kids, at least TRY to mimic properly when trying this crap. Plus, the fact he's not currently getting interrogated shows how true this is.]

You may want to double check your calendar. April isn't for another few months.

[text]

[grannyfucker]

You think I wasn't serious? The police will fuck your shit up.

Text

[saiyanscholar]

[Jeffrey's first act upon seeing this is to slam his computer shut and hyperventilate. Oh god, oh god, oh god.

[But then he realizes how little sense this makes, and after several minutes, he tentatively reconnects to see what's going on. Deep breaths. There we go. And the more he reads, the more he's convinced that this is a joke. A really horrible one that shouldn't be made. It's actually bad enough that he'll say something about it, which he doesn't usually have the guts to do.]

You know, you really shouldn't do things like this.

Text

[grannyfucker]

Do things like what? I'm only trying to fix a problem!

[whiterabbit_dot_obj]

Interesting. I have just one question: what are your thoughts on yaoi?

[Oh man, two actors from two popular supernatural TV shows unintentionally riling up shippers with brilliant Twitter trolling and a chance to mock some stupid delivered directly to him on the Network? This has been a glorious week. He may or may not actually be making popcorn for this right now.]

[grannyfucker]

Let it be known that I, Simon Edwards, believe that no cock should enter another man's anus. That shit is just unnatural.

text;

[cava]

I believe this has just about run its course, wouldn't you say?

text; no it's not, i'm going to bed

[grannyfucker]

Oh, bullshit. Come on, the night is still young!

text (notepad)

[tenaciousc]

[Michelle's reaction to this, in stages:

First, panic a little.

Then, go through and read a chunk of the replies.

Then start to agree that this sounds incredibly fishy.]

Really. Really??

text

[grannyfucker]

Hey, if you didn't want to get involved with dangerous shit like this, you shouldn't have joined the network!

[Handwritten]

[dododo]

That's original.

[text]

[grannyfucker]

Obviously it is, if so many of you are freaking out so badly over it!

[Handwritten]

[blind_devotion]

[Oh god. Oh god. This was exactly the sort of thing she'd been afraid of. Oh god, this couldn't be happening, it just couldn't, she...]

[Is kind of gullible and already ready to flip her shit about this sort of thing.]

Oh god, I swear, I didn't do anything.

[text]

[grannyfucker]

It doesn't matter whether you did anything or not, just being on this network is enough.

text;

[envisaging]

If that were true, you wouldn't be posting something like this.

text;

[grannyfucker]

Oh yeah? And why wouldn't I? You tell me, why don't you, because obviously my rank as chief of police means I can't figure out basic shit like this for myself.