[video] slightly backdated

[selfsame]

[ The video starts with a view of the ceiling in a dark room. There is muffled rap music in the distance until SUDDENLY it bursts forth and it is no longer muffled in the distance. It is loud and everything is terrible AND THEN! The lights switch on. The camera is slowly pointed at one tiny guy in what is a pigsty of a room. There are cans of Red Bull everywhere and then a thousand million individual beef jerky wrappers piled up beside each can.

The music gets louder and Excalibur is totally grinning shit-wide. He reaches out of the camera's sight and pulls out red shutter shades. He puts them on, leans back in his computer chair, and starts talking really loudly. ]

Hey. Hey. So this numbers shit. Poisoned tap water. Dicking around in the mines. Monsters. Weird lights I totally did not fucking see. Whatever.

Fuck the government. I always knew. That the government was up to basic business. Police? More like pigs. You know what. I think we need a little more of?? Shit stirring. Let's just. Fuck shit up. Vandalize Thunder Corp. Write cryptic messages on bus stops. Beat the shit out of journalists. You feel me?? Cause I do. It's time. To get a little crazy.

So. I decided to start a gang. We're gonna be called the "Badass Bikers" because we're going to be sooooo. Fucking. Badass. And we'll ride bikes. If you want in on this choice gang. Just tell me here. No geezers. No girls. Just a bunch of bros and their motorcycles. I'm the leader.

[ He pauses and then starts to talk again when there is suddenly a bang on his door and it flies open. He totally scrambles to his feet in a hurry. Another person's voice can be heard: ]

Bro. What the... what do you think you're doing at three in the morning. You woke me up with all this bloody racket! You're blessed that Father isn't in tonight-- turn it off and go to sleep! You can't be truant on Monday! Your sleep schedule...

[ Excalibur throws his sunglasses to the ground and stomps on them angrily. ]

Can't you fucking see. That I am broadcasting. A very important message?? I am so fucking busy. Too busy for school. Fuck school. That shit stinks worse than you.

Oh, for crying out loud... Can they see me?

[ No, no one can see Calliope. Not yet. So Excalibur grabs the camera and points at her in all her pajama'd glory. She shrieks and runs down the hall and Excalibur chases after until the cord gets pulled from the computer and that's the note they end on.

Excalibur you are an embarrassment. ]

Comments

1/???

[drama8om8]

[ Omg. ]

[drama8om8]

[ Fucking shit up. Vandalising things. ]

[drama8om8]

[ Rebellious graffiti. Beating up bad guys. ]

[drama8om8]

[ BADASS BIKER GANGS. ]

[drama8om8]

[ wait ]

[drama8om8]

[ WAITY-WAIT FUCKING WAIT ]

[drama8om8]

[ NO GIRLS? ]

text; OKAY DONE

[drama8om8]

[ CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. ]

Wow, bro. Sounds like a super gr8 idea you have there! A cool idea for manly men, like me, which is a thing that I absolutely am. I love manning around with my man friends, bro. And I love. Being messy. And boobs. And all those other things that guys like us like, guy. Brofist!
I am totally up for joining your manly man gang! For men. Men who are too cool for school. Sign me up, fellow dude. Yeah!!!!!!!!

text;

[selfsame]

[ Excalibur is too fucking stupid to connect Octavia to the girl he's seen around on the network. Successfully fooled. ]

Bro keep it fucking PG-13. There are like. Little kids around. The bodacious babes will keep their tops on at all times. Because this is not a softcore flick??

Anyways. The rest of that. We are going to be fast friends dude. The shitmeisters will be blown away by our combined powers?? But what can you even do. Tell me about that.

Also. What's your name. I'm Excalibur. But since we're bros. You can call me Cal.

text;

[drama8om8]

What can I do? Haha! Man. More like what CAN'T I do!!!!!!!!

[ OH SHIT SHE NEEDS A COVER STORY. One that can be backed up somehow. One that would be convincingly real.

The best lies are based on truth, right? ]

I can like. Heal myself! It is incredibly impressive. Monsters attack me? OH SHIT MY WOUNDS ARE STEAMING AND NOW THEY ARE GONE. I'm probably basically immortal! It's super gr8.
Not to mention my awesome fighting skills! I am all about killing stuff. Like you don't even know. It's heroic and manly as hell. You would not BELIEVE how amazingly overpowered I am, bro. Holy shit.
As for my name? Alan! Shouty Alan. Awesome to meet you, Cal. In a manly testosterone-fuelled kind of way. Dude. 8ro. 8)

Text

[doomedtheworld]

That's the stupidest idea anyone's had so far.

[text]

[mood2wiingiing]

oh yeah that doesnt sound like a dangerous and stupid undertaking at all.
definitely not the kind of thing youll get arrested for.

[synchronous]

Yeah, let us know how that works out for you.

[Video]

[originaloddcouple]

Well, ah, doesn't that seem a bit... extreme?

And attention-grabby?

I thought we were avoiding police attention.

[Voice]

[dododo]

...



...

Sit down, young man.

[voice]

[15minuteslate]

...do you even have a bike.

voice

[summit]

That's actually pretty accurate... Uh, except for the no-girls allowed, and the bikers, and actually, that general plan isn't very smart...

text;

[wirsinddiejager]

wow I have never felt this much second hand embarrassment in my entire life.

text;

[enrages]

NO.
NO.
FUCK NO.
FUCKING NO FOREVER AND EVER.
FUCK TO THE N TO THE O TO THE FUCK NO YOU ARE RIDICULOUS.
NO ONE IS JOINING GANGS.
NO ONE IS DYING OF GANG VIOLENCE.
NOT ON MY WATCH.