savetheearth | closed

Karson hates his life. He hates every single choice he has ever made in his entire life, and he hates the fact that he decided that working with Octavia in The Fake Mugging Plot was a viable idea. He regrets not checking google himself to see if he could buy a wild cat and use it to threaten Alan. The Wild Cat Plan was brilliant, if he says so himself. Which he does. Every time he checks his phone to see if Octavia has texted him yet.

But finally, his screen lights up just as he's thinking about leaving, and he knows it's her. For a brief moment, he thinks about leaving anyways, abandoning her to her fate-- if Alan curbstomps the shit out of her for her ridiculous plans, she fucking deserves it. But...

HE IS THE PREY AND WE ARE THE HUNTERS

30 seconds later, Karson is sneaking under a bush, right next to Octavia.

Whispered: "He hasn't noticed you yet?"

Thought: this is so fucking dumb and i hate my life and louise has the ruedest soul of all

Edited 2013-07-26 21:25 (UTC)

"SHSHHHhHSHHH!" She pulls a plastic bag from under her sweater, takes out her ski mask and jams it over her head. "Of course he didn't. He'll be here any minute so you have to be quiet. Put this on."

'This' being the second ski mask, which she's passing to Karson.

It has a pompom on the top.

It's beautiful.

Unlike Linda.

Meanwhile, Alan is making his way through the park, blissfully ignorant of any shenanigans that may be going on. He's actually in a fairly good mood - the whole ridiculous idea of testing his rage echo thing seems to have fallen through and he has thus managed to avoid thinking about it too much. It's a lot nicer to focus on potentially getting awesome healing powers, anyway.

As such, his step is light as he walks down the path. Not too light, since his legs still hurt a little from the giant scorpion getting its pincers all over them, but light enough.

Life is good.

Or so he thinks.

Actually he is just about to learn that his life is terrible and only going to get worse because he is a fucking Shingeki character and even happiness is pain.

Much like Louise and Linda's faces.

The pompom is the manifestation with everything wrong with this situation. In fact, me doing logs with Aave and Louise is everything that's wrong with this situation. Why the hell have I been dragged into their bullshit shenanigan games? I'm innocent, I'm just a wee petite babby being thrown to the RP lions, just like wee petit babby Alan is about to be thrown to the literal lions. Literal metaphorical lions.

He paps Octavia with the little pompom once before pulling it over his head backwards. Hold on, let's try this again. Let's be successful fake muggers who can put their fucking ski masks on correctly. Okay, we good.

"I'll take out his legs, you go for the arms. Got it?" yeah you got it u DUMBBUTTS

"You think he's a psycho and he's going to murder the shit out of me-slash-us, but you want me to go for the arms that he will fucking kill us with?"

She gives him her best incredulous look - slightly dampened by the ski mask - then readies herself.

"Okay. Three, two..."

THIS IS IT

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

"One!"

She leaps from the bushes towards Alan as he passes, making a grab for his DANGEROUS DANGERARMS. While screaming in her still-not-quite-back-to-normal scratchyvoice.

"FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKER!"

This is a great plan and Linda is a pooplord and Aave's face is a butt and wow I did not integrate this meta narrative insulty bullshit well.

Can we just drop the meta narrative insulty bullshit because this is SERIOUS BUSINESS. LOOK AT THESE SHADY MUGGERS LEAPING OUT OF THE BUSHES OH GOD.

Alan screams in a way that totally does not sound even slightly like a little girl and scrambles back, flailing his arms to avoid being grabbed.

"What the fuck-!"

For a fraction of a second, he considers running away like a sane person. Unfortunately he is not allowed to be a sane person and he finds himself thinking I've got to get them before they get me.

Which is why the flailing quickly turns into into trying to punch ~~Octavia~~ the Mysterious Assailant in the face.

this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb louise and aave are dumb and their metanarrative is dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb this is so dumb THIS IS SO DUMB--

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK--" Have fun trying to punch the Mysterious Assailant #1 while Mysterious Assailant #2 launches out of the bushes, tackling straight into Alan's legs.

Edited 2013-07-26 22:34 (UTC)

"I said FREEZE, not-- OW!"

The punch doesn't connect properly, landing somewhere in the vicinity of Octavia's ear as she turns her head. No damage done. It's enough to knock her off balance, though (SHE HAS A FUCKTON OF HAIR STUFFED INTO THAT SKI MASK OKAY FUCK ALL OF YOU). As she stumbles, her entire weight pushing Alan backward while she keeps grabbing for his arms, Karson slams into his legs.

HEY ALAN

GRAVITY CALLED

IT WANTS A WORD WITH YOU

FUCK YOU, GRAVITY

ONE DAY ALAN WILL GET HIS AWESOME ANIME ACROBATICS BACK AND HE WILL CONQUER YOU

For now, though, he's slamming into the ground and hitting his head. Hard. Ow.

Not that that's going to stop him from flailing wildly with both arms and legs in an attempt to murder everything nearby.

Karson drags himself over Alan's legs, holding them down as best he can. Unfortunately, despite his best eel-wrestling abilities that don't actually exist, he gets popped in the face once or twice with a stray, flailing kneecap.

Which makes him realize that neither he nor Octavia had anything planned for after they fake-mugged Alan. I mean, what the fuck does a psycho freakout even look like? What's this goal here? WHY IS HE SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING WHILE CLIMBING ALL OVER ANOTHER GUY'S LEGS? God, this is a disaster.

"GET HIS ARMS, GODDAMNIT!"

This is not a disaster. This is halfway to glorious victory.

"Hold still!"

Octavia is much punier and twiggier than Alan. As a result, she's forced to sit on one of his arms while she grapples with the other one, trying to stop it murderflailing.

"If you hold still, we won't, uh, KILL YOU!"

There. That should make sure he feels properly threatened. She is the best friend with the best plan.

"Fuck you, you're not getting me, you bastards!"

There's something vaguely familiar about the Mystery Assailants' voices, but it's hard to place them with all the panic and confusion and murderflailing going on. And anyway, the death threat makes it clear that these are totally dangerous people and not, say, Alan's friends trying to execute an incredibly stupid plan.

However, he does actually cease his flailing and go still. Maybe if he goes along for a moment, he'll get a chance to break free and curbstomp these assholes.

Who called the curbstomping? This guy, right here. Guess who should have assumed that any potential mugging situation would be perpetuated by friends with incredibly stupid plans? You, Alan, that's who. Come on, they talked about it on your post, man. Get your shit together.

Karson lets up on Alan's legs a little bit, just trying to make sure he's not suffocating or dying. What if he's dying? What if he busted his head open?! I mean, sure, he just yelled, but, but oh god please don't let this be Karson's first murder, baby's first murder no thank you--

"Ch-Check his pulse! We don't want him dead, okay?" Longest pause in the world, and then said in the most deep, intimidating manner Karson can possibly attempt:

"NOT YET, AT LEAST."

Octavia takes a moment to hit Karson with the most incredibly judging stare in the universe for that little display. In fact, we all do. That's right, I just godmoded real life.

Judging over. For now.

She takes a hand off Alan's arm, freeing it to check his pulse. She then realises that she has no idea how to do that outside shitty hospital dramas on TV. Maybe if she just pokes his neck a little?

Poke poke.

"He's alive!" Gosh, such a gruff voice. "You, uh, take his. Wallet? The wallet we're mugging him for. He won't move!"

She attempts a threatening kind of final neckpoke. It's scary as shit.

Edited 2013-07-26 23:33 (UTC)

Wowowowowow, Louise. Wow. Reporting you to the mods right this second, you filthy godmoder.

Alan keeps his arm down even when it's free. See how good he's being? So nice and cooperative.

"The wallet's in my backpack. You're gonna have to get off me if you want it."

Sure, he sounds pretty angry, but who wouldn't be? Surely he can't be planning anything here!

Also yeah, maybe he should be getting his shit together and remembering the things that were discussed in his post. But a part of him is still Eren Yeager and therefore incapable of getting his shit together in any capacity.

"I'm not touching his butt," Karson's quick to blurt out. It's good he's the only one of this Cutie Buggles Trio of Bullshit who has his priorities in order. Honestly, though, if they're going to do this fake mugging thing, they might as well do it right.

Octavia, the buttpocket is all yours. They can just... Give him his wallet back after the fake mugging plan that is rapidly becoming a real mugging plan is over. Karson gets off Alan's legs so the buttpocket is accessible, but he's ready to pounce again if it looks like he'll attack Octavia.

Oh.

Oh.

Despite all her talky talkshit, Octavia is not actually an expert at touching boys' butts. She is a novice. Her hands are not well-acquainted with dudely posteriors. But she can do it. She can fucking do this. She can tuch the buttpocket.

She scrambles off her perch on Alan's arm, shuffles towards Butt Territory and slowly - with a trembling hand - reaches towards the buttpocket.

She really, really hopes that a) the wallet is there and b) that Alan doesn't make any sudden movements that would result in Actual Butt Touching. That would be really super hard to explain later.

a) The wallet is not there.

b) Alan makes a sudden movement.

As soon as Mysterious Assailaint #1 moves off his arm, he scrambles up, trying to grab her in a stranglehold. If it's any consolation, he's not paying much attention to any potential Butt Touchings.

There is a moment in everyone's life where they become a man. Where they rise above all their hardships, troubles, trials and tribulations, and they dominate. Karson had a chance at this already-- with the deer. Needless to say, he missed that chance. He missed it with all the might of a particularly lonely bear standing at the top of a waterfall, waiting for salmon to jump into its mouth, but knowing, deep in its heart, that there are no salmon.

Karson almost misses this opprotunity too. When Alan makes his move, he freezes up, because wow let's make a list of people who were never made for action: 1) Karson Valenti, 2) Linda. That's the list. That's all. The only people ever created who cannot act when confronted with a dangerous situation are me and the character I play.

But unlike me, Karson overcomes all odds. After a few seconds of watching Alan try to stranglehold Mysterious Assailaint #1, Mysterious Assailaint #2 launches himself at Victim #1 with the fury of a polar bear actively hunting down humans in the Arctic Wild.

SO ENJOY A BIG HELPING OF BUTT
AND BY BUTT
I MEAN HEADBUTT
STRAIGHT TO YOUR EVERYTHING, ALAN MCCRAZY.

Edited 2013-07-27 21:36 (UTC)

ABANDON PLAN

ABORT ABORT ABORT

Octavia is at least eight kinds of Not Okay With This. She's being strangleholdededed. Her hair is a fucking mess. Alan and Karson are both fucking crazy. Her plan has failed and this is not what tangled messes of Team Cutie Buggles' limbs are like in her fanfics.

Life is pain.

She attempts to shriek through the stranglehold - that raspy high-pitched painwail might sound familiar, Alan - but settles for biting his arm instead. CHOMP.

~~YAMEROOOOOOOOO~~

The wail does sound familiar, actually, but then there is chomping and headbutting and everything hurts. As a result, Alan is left in a deeply uncomfortable twilight zone between Oh Goddammit It's My Friends and Murder Everything.

On the plus side, it means he stops trying to strangle Octavia. He doesn't fully let her go, though. The adrenaline's still going, he's angry, and this could totally still be some kind of trick.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

Yet again, Karson has his priorities in order. After tearing off his ski mask, he asks:

"Oh jesus, is my nose bleeding? I can't tell-- fuck, it had better not be bleeding." It's not bleeding. He has already proven his manhood once. He doesn't need to do it ever again, thank you. You're on your own, Octavia.

"Let go is what's going on!" She makes a brief attempt to wriggle out of Alan's grip. "I just proved you're not crazy and you should thank me by getting off, FUCK YOU KARSON YOU FUCKING SUCK I HOPE YOU BLEED EVERYWHERE."

She tries to yank her head out from under Alan's arm once more, bracing one hand against the small of his back to facilitate that. Unfortunately, she misses and ends up tuching the butte again.

Alan should probably just let go now.

Okay yes this is definitely Alan's idiot friends and he's not sure how he didn't realise it earlier.

And yes, having his butte tuched makes him let go. In a very embarrassed manner.

"I can't believe you actually went ahead with the fucking mugging idea, that is the dumbest-"

Being angry is the best way to not deal with oh fuck I just tried to strangle my friend y/y

"It's-- No blood? Right? Right?" STILL CHECKING IF HIS NOSE IS BLEEDING FUCK YOU GUYS. Karson still can't tell, so he just holds the shitty skimask to his nose before engaging in his favorite pastime-- blame shifting.

"It's her dumbshit idea. I just tagged along to keep you from psycho-curbstomping her scrawny, unattractive ass. You're welcome for that, by the way!"

Edited 2013-07-28 06:38 (UTC)

"ALL LOSERS SHUT THE FUCK UP." Octavia is having none of this shit. She has taken off the ski mask and is now doing that thing animals do where their fur poofs up to make them look more intimidating. Her hair is huge and angry and possibly dangerous.

"You are both missing the most important thing here. And that is that my butt is attractive as hell, fuck you Karson." Fuck yeah. Sassy hairflip. "Also that I am alive and therefore Alan is not actually a crazy psycho."

Attempted possibly-murder doesn't count. Obviously. Everything is okay and Octavia gets to maintain her perfect record for Always Being Right All The Time (Yeah!!!!!!!!).

Edited 2013-07-28 12:32 (UTC)

"Great. Everyone's alive and no one is bleeding so let's not do this again. Ever."

Alan stands up, wincing a little because wow his legs hurt, and dusts himself off as best as he can. His mom's already been acting worried about him since the giant scorpion thing, no need to make her think he got into a fight on the way home. Even though he did.

"So you guys can go wherever the fuck you want, I'm going home."

"Look, your butt is scaring him away. Primary proof of unattractiveness." He's not leaving because of the fact that they just tried to mug him late at night, of course. It's totally Octavia's butt.

"But, yeah, I guess, uh, sorry I called you psycho?" Karson gets up and brushes off his own incredibly awesome butt, the best butt of the trio thank you, while still keeping the mask to his nose.

"Since we're not dead, I'm just going to assume the scorpion freakout was a one-time deal."

Wowowow, rude. Octavia's hair bristles threateningly at Karson and his allegedly-nonhideous butt. "I am officially amending my earlier statement to 'All KARSONS shut the fuck up.' Except for that bit where you actually apologised. That bit can stay."

She turns to Alan. "Don't be all buttmad, anyway, god. We just established your safe-not-crazy-nature and had a super great fun outing as friends and pals. You should be happy! Group hug? To show no hard feelings? Friends?"

Her arms are open. She is looking from Shouty Douche A to Shouty Douche B with an expectant look on her face. The hair is threatening to devour any dissenters.

Alan briefly considers explaining that actually he kind of was trying to kill them, he just wasn't doing a very good job of it, and what if Octavia had tried this alone? But if he did that, Karson would take back his apology and there'd be more yelling and actually having these friends who know about this stuff is kind of nice. And it's not like anyone got hurt, so it's fine, right?

So he gives a wary nod.

"No hard feelings. But I dunno if I'd call this a fun outing. And I'm not hugging anyone."

Karson takes a step away from Octavia for good measure. Out of the hair zone.

"New rule: no Karsons shut up forever, because they're the only assholes around that don't come up with terrible, shitty plans." Emphasized with another step away from Octavia's failed attempts to initiate physical affirmations of friendship.

"For a second, I thought we were going to actually mug you. Which is severely fucked up. From now on, I make any and all plans to test our superhero powers."

"I will agree to at least submit all future plans to the rigorous tests of Karsonapproval if I get the group hug."

Glower, glower. She's not letting those arms drop. She is only widening them.

"If I don't get the group hug, I am going to cry. Right here. Right now.I will fucking cry don't test me."

This with an extra-sad scowl at Alan, along with a brief and incredibly manipulative wince as she touches the side of her poor recently-strangled neck.

"That's really manipulative."

Which isn't to say it's not working. He takes a tentative step closer. Maybe just a little hug would be okay.

Karson has no shame. He is a man who uses any and all means to reach an end, and if the end is Karsonapproval, then so be it.

However, he still steps into that hug like a criminal steps onto the gallows.

Yessssssss.

Octavia ignores any and all indications of reluctance. She scoops her fellow members of Team Cutie Buggles into her arms like a bear scoops a salmon from a river and wow let's not get too Linda about this. She grabs both boys, pulls them in for the tightest and most uncomfortable hug in the world, and hopes they don't suffocate in her hair.

Life is amazing. Friendship is amazing.

Everyone has eight seconds before she will inevitably ruin this with some kind of filthy comment about threesomes.

What is this hugging business, this is completely ridiculous. There is hair everywhere and Octavia's grip is way too tight and oh god what if she touches Alan's butt again.

Yeah he's doing his best to escape the hug now. He's fulfilled his friendshipduty, he's allowed to do that.

Karson waits approximately two seconds before trying to wriggle his way to freedom. Butts might be touched in this struggle, but they are a sacrifice we are all willing to make.

"Oh my fucking god, when was the last time you brushed or washed your hair, I can't breathe, help, help Alan, avenge me, help."

There is no escape. There is only hair and hugs and an absence of Octavias touching butts because her arms are too busy hugging friends.

Frieeeeeeeends.

"Stop squirming, losers. Unless you're just eager to get to the part where we all do it."

There is now hair and hugs and filthy giggling.

"Oh my god there is not going to be any part like that."

There may be no escape, but Alan is just going to try harder. He will escape from the bounds of these arms to the outside world. He will reach freedom. It is his dream.

Edited 2013-07-28 20:28 (UTC)

hey octavia are you ticklish?? if not, this is going to be really awkward and really desperate.

Place a tick in the "really super ticklish wow" box, pls.

The kind of ticklish that sends girl-shaped twigs recoiling backwards while shrieking and flailing every limb and not even making one dirty joke. Not. One.

Karson is the hero. It is him.

FREEDOM. Sweet, sweet freedom. Dang I should give Alan an echo for this because this totally parallels his past life's love for freedom and okay no. He's just giving Karson an incredibly grateful look that hopefully says 'I owe you one' without words.

"Well, that was. Something. But I really should go home now before my mom notices I'm late."

He will be expecting a medal of honor, Alan. Get on it. Just for safety, though, Karson's going to take a few steps away from Octavia in case she gets anymore hug-feelings.

"I'll leave after you, Miss Octavia McDumbshit, buys me some ice cream. I'll eat Alan's share if you were planning on buying him some as an apology, which is what any decent human being would do."

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oh ok I CAN DO ONE MORE TAG BEFORE BED.......................

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