savetheearth | 45th Howl | Talking is Important [CLOSED]

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45th Howl | Talking is Important [CLOSED]

Who: Lyall and Nick
When: Backdated to October 22, night
Where: Nick's apartment
What: Concern and possibly difference of opinion

When news about Anthony broke, the first thing Lyall did was call Nick. To his concern, the man didn't pick up. But he let him have some space, since he knew how important Anthony had been to him. He tried calling again two days later, figuring that was enough time to let the man grieve on his own and be ready to talk. Still nothing.

Now, two nights before the funeral is supposed to happen, he isn't going to let Nick hole himself up alone-- or whatever he's doing-- any longer. He shows up on Nick's doorstep after dark, checking by scent for whether he's actually home. If he isn't, he sits in front of the door to wait. If he is, he knocks. And, in fact, pounds, if Nick doesn't open up after the first couple knocks. If it gets to that point, though, there might wind up being a hole in the door, given Lyall's still working on controlling his newfound strength....

Either way, he's not going away.

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Nick... hasn't been home a lot, in the past few days. He tried, the second night, but it reminds him too much of Anthony, and he just can't. After that, well, if he's not going to sleep, he might as well just not sleep at work, where he can actually do something. Anything.

He's been throwing himself into work, dodging everyone's calls, ignoring anything that means he has to stop long enough to think about something that isn't the case, or how to take down the mafia.

If he stops, he's afraid he'll never get started again.

But he does have to go home every so often, to pick up clothes to change into, even if he can shower at work. So he's making a brief pitstop, when he spots Lyall sitting outside the door.

For a moment, he almost turns back around, to pretend like he'd never been there. He manages to stop himself, though, partially because he can't avoid Lyall forever - he doesn't want to avoid Lyall forever, not really - and partially because he knows Lyall has to have picked up his scent already.

Abruptly Nick's aware of how terrible he probably looks - he can't remember the last time he slept, or really ate, and he's in yesterday's clothes. He fixates on that, on not wanting to look terrible in front of his boyfriend, even if he's never really cared all that much before. Because it's a problem to fixate on that isn't 'Anthony's gone and I know you're here to talk to me about it but I don't want to.'

"Hey," he says quietly. "If I'd known you were coming I would have cleaned up." He tries for a smile, but gives it up before it even starts. There's no way he'd be able to fool Lyall, and he feels guilty even making the attempt.

The down the hall footsteps alert him first, and he's already climbing to his feet when Nick spots him. He notices the hesitation, too, and the definite scent of someone unwashed and exhausted-- and unhappy. Actually seeing the results of the same has Lyall trotting the last couple steps to meet him, looking concerned. He'd known Nick would be upset, devastated even, that's why he'd wanted to be around to help-- but to the point of not even looking after himself?

"I'm surprised you didn't guess it. You haven't been returning my phone calls, of course I'm going to check in on you eventually. When's the last time you slept, Nick?" he opens with, rather than commenting on the clothes or, probably to Nick's relief, Anthony.

It is a relief, and his stride turns a little more confident as he moves closer. This, at least, is familiar: concern over how much time he's spending working. Even if it's never been this bad, and hasn't really happened in a pretty long time.

It's another way to avoid.

"I grabbed a couple hours on the couch at the station, I've done it before. It's good enough." He moves to unlock the door. "...you want to come in?"

Nick doesn't want to let this conversation go on along enough for it to turn to Anthony, or to the mafia, but... he also doesn't want to be alone in the apartment.

And he doesn't want Lyall to go, now that he's actually seen him.

At least they're agreed on one point: Lyall isn't going anywhere, at least not yet. "Yes, I believe I'd like that," he answers, tone really rather careful to avoid sounding worried, frustrated, or slightly sarcastic-- the temptation for the latter is there. What would he do, come all the way over here and just wait around in the hall once his boyfriend got home?

He follows Nick inside, tests the air, and looks around with a little wince. Everything smells like Nick-- seriously unhappy and increasingly unwashed Nick-- but also like Anthony. That smell isn't going to go away any time soon.

"I'm not sure a couple hours at the station is going to do, Nick. You look like hell."

All right, yeah, that was a stupid question. Normally, Nick'd be the first to poke fun at himself, make some kind of joke about how his brain is off getting the sleep his body isn't getting, but - instead, he just ducks his head a little as he opens the door.

Any attempt at joking would more than fall flat right now, he knows.

Nick winces a little at that as he scrubs a hand over his face, fingers catching on the stubble he hasn't gotten around to shaving off.

"It's been a rough couple of days."

That softens the frustration into sympathy, and Lyall comes up to catch that hand and replace it with one of his own. "I know. Worse, if you haven't been sleeping. Or talking to your boyfriend." He doesn't mean that in a pointed fashion, and his tone makes that clear. He really does think that getting out of his own head for a little might help, whether or not it was talking about Anthony in particular.

Looking up at Nick seriously, he makes a decision for him: "You're not going back to the station tonight Nick. I'm serious when I say you look like hell, and I wouldn't in good conscience let you actually try to work right now. You'll probably make more stupid mistakes than would make it even worth it."

He stills a little at that, leaning almost unconsciously into Lyall's touch. Still, he snorts a little when Lyall insists that he's not going back to work.

"Where else am I supposed to go?" Nick'd meant to sound sarcastic there, if not with the usual bite he'd give a question like that, but it just comes out kind of lost.

He hears himself, sounding like it's actually a sincere question, and just gives up a little. Nick sinks back, leaning against the wall and shaking his head. He can't do this. It's too easy to talk to Lyall; it feels like he's always been able to talk to him, even about the things he usually avoids, but not this. He doesn't know how to talk about this, doesn't want to.

But the reminder that he does know how to talk to Lyall about some of the hard things gives him something else to focus on, and he looks back up. "You're right, I haven't been talking to you. Am I being a jerk?"

"Not exactly a jerk." He'd never say that when he can understand the man's reasoning, even if he doesn't necessarily agree with it. He stays where he is, brushing a thumb over Nick's stubble and then his fingers back into Nick's hair, combing it back and trying not to wince at how it obviously needs a good wash. "But I don't think you're doing either of us any favors, either. If you don't want to be here, then you can come to my house. I'll even drive."

Not that he has his car here, as that would be far too obvious for the media. He'll drive Nick's for him. Even if he has to adjust the seat a little.

Nick goes very quiet at the suggestion. It wouldn't even be something he'd have to think over, if...

Well. The if there is exactly what he wants to avoid thinking about. And if he goes with Lyall, he knows he's going to have to make a decision, to either shut down or open up. Honestly, he's kind of terrified of what might happen with either option.

Finally, he nods. He won't stay at the apartment, and he knows Lyall's right, as much as he doesn't want to admit it.

"Okay. I'm sorry," he adds, though he's not exactly sure what he's apologizing for.

There's perhaps a moment in there where Lyall might be holding his breath a little. Just a little. If Nick turns him away now, he knows it'll hurt-- both of them, but him more immediately. He really doesn't want to go down that route. So it's a breath of relief when he gets the answer, and the apology makes him smile a bit. "You've had a rough few days. I think I can let it slide."

He lets Nick go, then, with a brief, soft kiss, then pats his shoulder. "Come on, get whatever you came here for. Maybe I'll even get you in the shower once we get back home." With company, of course. That ought to relax the man a bit, he hopes.

There's another attempt at a smile, and at least this one's genuine, if a little shaky. He nods, and walks almost mechanically into the bedroom, to shove a few changes of clothes and his toothbrush into a small bag.

He's still not sure this is a good idea. The last time he lost someone this important to him, when the only person he had left found out how badly it affected him, well, it didn't end well.

And yeah, he'd been twelve at the time, but that didn't matter. Nick's figured out enough, thanks to the pulses and to getting better at this whole relationships thing, that part of this is how freaked out he is that it'll happen again.

He'd talked about it with Anthony, but - he can't think about that now.

"Randy," he starts as he heads back out, then stops, pushing a hand through his hair. Then he turns away, repacking his bag and zipping it up, because it's easier to do this if he isn't looking at him. "I don't - I don't handle this kind of thing very well."

"I think you can manage dinner and a shower just fine," Lyall counters with a little smile, waiting nearer to the door and watching Nick get his things, though he knows that's not what Nick is talking about. He tackles what he thinks Nick is talking about next, at least. "And I'm already guessing that you don't handle the loss of loved ones well. I don't think anyone does."

If he's wrong, and it's something else-- like relationships-- he'll adjust. But since Anthony is why he's here, he's going with that first.

If nothing else, that startles a soft huff out of Nick, and he actually stops fidgeting with his back and looks back up at him. No, it isn't what he's talking about, but the next thing is... closer. As close as it can be without Nick bringing up anything like prior suicidal tendencies, and as much as Nick started this with every intention of coming completely clean, he's finding he can't do it now.

Lyall is pretty much all Nick has left right now, aside from Melissa, and he can't risk that.

"Yeah. That - I guess it's pretty obvious." He closes the rest of the distance between them, pausing just to lean in and kiss him. "Thank you."

Though he lingers for the kiss, Lyall smiles a bit, sadly, at the thanks that follows. "The least I can do is come and drag you away from work and your own thoughts for a while." He catches Nick's hand before he can pull back, and adds more seriously, "If you're not ready to talk about anything yet... that's all right. I'll wait. But I think it might help."

He feels like he has to at least get that out there, so that whenever Nick is ready, he'll know he can. Sometimes all someone needs is explicit permission. Maybe not Nick, but when working with teenagers, sometimes you had to be very open and specific like that. It can't hurt, anyway.

He squeezes Lyall's fingers. "I will," he promises, and he means it. He trusts Lyall - he loves him, even if he hasn't managed to actually say that part outloud yet - and if he's going to talk to anyone, it'll be him.

But he can't do it yet. It's already come too close tonight, to acknowledging what's happened, what he's lost. What the world's lost, what never should have been taken. Right now, if he starts talking, the only thing he's going to end up saying is 'it should have been me.'

And he doesn't really mean that. Well. No, he does, right now, he really, really does. But he shouldn't mean it, so he isn't going to say anything.

"But I can't, right now," he adds quietly. "I think - I think I could just use a break."

At least he's willing to admit that.

If he's disappointed, Lyall at least knows better than to show it. He nods, instead. "Then a break I can give you. You can stay the night at my place." And he'll find some way to stay put and quiet while the man gets some much needed sleep. Leave a book or two by the bed. This nocturnal thing really isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have to live with people who aren't nocturnal.

So he gives Nick's fingers a light kiss and asks, "Do you have everything you need?" The less time they spend in an apartment that smells like Anthony, he figures, the better.

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45th Howl | Talking is Important [CLOSED]

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