[closed] if we're not that gone then we're not that far

[kirifuda]

Who: Lucas & Steven
When: May 31st, evening
Where: Stevens's apartment complex
What: Echos blow, let's decorate cakes instead.
Warnings: This will include flashbacks to vehicular manslaughter. Also, frosting dicks likely.

Steven's glad Lucas decided to text him, not call him - he'd been a shaky wreck for half an hour after crashing at home, he was pretty sure he still looked pale and sounded just as bad. When Lucas texts him that he's outside, he leaves the house looking less put-together than last time, tight khakis with paint stains across the left thigh and a loose plain blue t-shirt, his hair a little disheveled from when he'd been rolling around on his bed. He's bothered to put on worn-in Sperry's, at least.

The gate has a hand-latch, the kind that would be really easy to open from the opposite side if the gate were actually grated. Steven's been known to hop up on the wall and do just that from over it, when he doesn't want to walk around the front after hitting the convenience store, but he's not going to make a guest do that.

He swings the gate open, looking for Lucas, and lifts his hand hello when he finds him. He moves his mouth in up a little at the corners, but it's a little vague. "Hey," he says, stepping back to let Lucas through.

His apartment's the closest building to the gate, so it's just a matter of climbing the stairs to the third floor.

Comments

[kirifuda]

Steven feels abruptly terrible, for making Lucas look like that, but he'd rather not feed the flames. "I said I'd help," he says, "and I'll even do it for free, which is a one-time offer." He nods at Lucas' cake-decorating skills, and then shrugs a little.

"It got my mind off it a little," he says. Then he snaps, like something's occurred to him. "Oh, shit, wait one sec -" he breaks away from the island to go to his desk, and comes back with... a cell phone and a camera. He sets them on the counter away from the food. "These were on the bed when I came home," he says, flipping the phone open and pushing in the USB stick half-sticking out of the base. "Stag! Bat!" The phone goes bug-like, like the stag beetle it is, and buzzes around Lucas' head. The bat camera is second; it snaps several pictures of the kitchen, complete with flash.

"Hey," Steven says, when he gets light in his eyes, "cut it - out!" He reaches out to catch the damn thing, and of course the flash stops immediately when he gets his hand on it.

He thinks he might want to talk about the memory of the man, and the car, but not right this second.

[kyoumibukai]

"Okay... Thanks." His voice is too thick for it to not be obvious how he's feeling. He clears his throat, running his fingers through his hair.

"Huh?" He watches him come back from the desk with the two little robotic creatures, and looks around in wonder as they flutter around his head. He puts his hand over his face to block the camera. "Whoa, no paparazzi!!" he laughs, though he's still down in the dumps.

[kirifuda]

"What about delicate artists?" Steven asks, and holds the camera up. He half-smiles, which is about all he can manage at the moment, and reaches up to pluck the Stag Phone out of the air.

"Not really sure why they showed up," he says, as he looks them over, "but they're definitely not regular Earth stuff. Kind of hurt to lie down on, too." The last is a little sheepish. He'd thrown himself on his bed without looking and regretted it.

"Do you... want something to drink, or something? I can turn on the TV and we can, I don't know, watch Hoarders or something?" Something, anything, to turn their mutually feedbacking bad moods up, just a little. Or even just have a distraction.

[kyoumibukai]

He's smiling at Steven, one of his usual put-on smiles instead of the real ones he's been showing Steven lately. And then he's hit with the hollow echo feeling... A memory of his familiarity with those items. A memory of a photo taken with that camera, a feeling of pure sentiment, of family. With Philip and Shotaro, and a girl he doesn't know the name of, but who is as familiar to him as his sisters are now.

And he can't help it, even though he wanted to show a good face, even though he's good at controlling his emotions... At least for a 16-year-old... He breaks into tears, they fall past his still-pasted-on smile and he gives a short, sharp sob.

His voice goes shrill as he insists, "It's nothing, don't worry, I'm sorry!"

[kirifuda]

Steven winces. "Ah," he says, and drops the phone and the camera, hurrying around. "What happened--?" An Echo, of course, but what kind, to kill his composure this quickly? "Don't - shit - don't cry - oh, god, look, sit down..." He guides him by the shoulders pointedly toward the couch and makes him sit, settles down next to him. Close enough to touch but far enough that it's, hopefully, not too much.

[kyoumibukai]

"Nothing, I'm sorry, it's just an echo and..." He takes a deep breath, trying to get ahold of himself as Steven leads him to the couch. "It's just... an echo... I shouldn't be crying."

He wipes his face with both hands, like a kid, though his tears are still falling. "It's just..." He looks at Steven next to him, so close but still so far away. "...every time... The more I know what it was like to be Philip... The more I miss... I miss being close to you, and then that girl..."

He buries his head in his hands. "I'm just screwing it up this time, I'm not like Philip..." He breathes a couple of times, deep, heavy. "I just want..." He breaks off, not sure what to say, how to convey the hollow loneliness that reverberates inside him in the aftermath of that warm, family-like echo. Even his real family has never connected with him in that way.

[kirifuda]

"It's fine," Steven says, flustered by tears nonetheless. He's handled his sisters for years, he can... do this. Right?

He breathes in, then out, long, and leans his forearms on his knees. "I'm not Shotaro," he says, as gently as he can. "I'm not him, and I don't want to be. His life was... not what I want for myself. I'm Steven, not Shotaro, so..."

There's no gentle way to say it. "So you can't confuse me for him. Philip was close to Shotaro. Shotaro was close to Philip, too, I can feel it, I feel it every time you're around. He cared... about him. And I... I like you. I think we're friends. You're a good guy, and you're not... screwing it up. Especially not by not being Philip," and he's intense, on that point, vehement that Lucas not define himself by the benchmark of the weird boy in his memory. "But we're not them."

And I don't want to be, he doesn't say, but he feels like it's probably there, heavy in the air.

[kyoumibukai]

He listens, tears still falling from his eyes. The difference between Steven and Shotaro is clear enough to him, despite how little he really does remember about Shotaro. It's hard to separate the feelings Philip had for Shotaro from his own feelings for Steven... But there are definite differences.

And to be honest, his fairly recent memory of Philip that seemed to be his and Shotaro's first meeting... has unsettled him about Philip, just a bit. Philip's feelings about Shotaro in the later memory were strong... so strong... But that strength was the flip side of the nothing he felt about anything the moment they first met. Philip seemed almost completely hollow at that moment, the demon he named himself as.

His tears taper off for a moment. "Yeah, no... I'm sorry. I know... You're not Shotaro. I'm... not Philip." He smiles, weak and watery. "I just..." He trails off, knowing without his having to say it that Steven is aware that Lucas has some kind of feelings for him. Whether it's because of Philip's feelings for Shotaro, or because Steven himself is kind, mature, talented, cute, and so beyond him... Even he doesn't know. It seems so strangely perfect, like destiny, on paper. But real life is never that easy. He's known that since he was barely old enough to realize why his dad gave him those looks.

"I guess I'm really crying just because... when I felt that feeling between the three of them it made me realize..." He squeezes his fists on his knees, bent over like he's just run a mile, feeling the tears still there in his chest. He whispers, "...how lonely I am." It goes against his every instinct to admit that weakness in front of somebody. If anyone really knew how lonely he was, it could easily be exploited. He has people he considers friends, but he still keeps them at arm's length, doesn't tell them much about his inner life.

But for him, Steven seems... safe. Hell, if he had been Steven, he probably would already have taken advantage of himself. Steven has a lifetime of opportunities to use him, to manipulate him... He knows one thing that he and Philip share in common about the way they perceive their partners, even beyond the crush and the memories... Both he and Philip look on their respective partners as morally upright. Better than. Fundamentally good, in comparison to themselves. His assessment is quietly strengthened by Steven's gentleness, especially considering his obvious dismay at being perceived as the same as his alter ego.

[kirifuda]

Steven swallows, uncertain. He's never really felt lonely in the way that Lucas is. He doesn't have to hide, doesn't really feel rejected, least of all by his own parents. Since Sam left, he's understood loneliness more keenly - it's hard to break up while you're living in a new city - but he wasn't alone, when any of that was happening, not really.

He lifts his hand and puts it carefully on Lucas' back, high. He's not sure what to say, but he's not going to sit here and let him suffer by himself. He looks sideways at him. "You're not by yourself," he says. "I know you feel that way. And we're not... family. But I'm here, all right, Lucas?" Maybe he's promising too much. Maybe this is a mistake. But it doesn't feel like a mistake. There's a tightness in his chest he ignores. "I already know too much. You can't get rid of me," he says, more cheerfully. He taps his fingertips on Lucas' back.

[kyoumibukai]

Lucas sniffles, nodding. "I just..." He knows Steven knows that his feelings for him aren't entirely innocent. He knows that Steven clearly doesn't feel the same way, or if he does, he doesn't want to. Which is really just as bad, if not worse, to Lucas. Probably what he meant when he said 'we're not family.' It does burn a little. It hurts. Lucas feels a nauseousness rise in his stomach at the tacit rejection.

Still... It's true that the two of them are bound together by fate, at least in some way. And even if Steven can't or won't love him... At least when he's with Steven, he's not alone. He can't fathom ignoring or dismissing his feelings... He is, after all, just sixteen. But he's been dealing with crushes on unavailable guys for his whole life. He'll just have to keep dealing.

He squeezes his knees. "Sorry, it's... a pretty ridiculous reason to cry. Kind of cruel, too, to cry about being lonely when someone's right here." He chuckles. "I don't think I could get rid of you even if you didn't know anything. We're partners, after all." Exactly what sort of partners, he wasn't sure, but the surety in the solid concept of partnership between them is one thing that resonates through all of Lucas' memories.

He sighs. "I'm sorry if I, uh... made you feel uncomfortable back there. I'm... kind of a mess. Even I know it. You promised you won't run, so I better promise I'll try not to... make you feel like that." He avoids Steven's gaze. Maybe it would be easier to be Philip and not care.

[kirifuda]

Steven's hand tightens in the fabric of Lucas' shirt, and his jaw tightens as he looks down on Lucas. He lets go of his shirt to mess with his hair, companionably, and pulls his hand slowly back into his lap, his hands tangled together and dangling between his knees. "Don't worry about it," he says, "I'm here until the end, partner. Whatever that is."

He looks down. "It's not ridiculous. We've all got... stuff that's tough to deal with." Not his most brilliant observation, but whatever. "I'm still screwed up over a memory that isn't even mine, I'm in no position to talk."

He leans back, against the couch back, his eyes tipped up toward his white spackled ceiling. "Don't think you've got to be the guy you are at school or at home around here," he says, "you do it to protect yourself, so... you're safe here. All right?" He turns his head sideways to look at Lucas. He's not great at expressing stuff like this, but he's got to try.

[kyoumibukai]

He swallows, feeling the warmth of the hand on him. What he says sounds like something Shotaro might have said, but for better or worse it doesn't trigger anything. "Yeah. Okay. I'm... I'm here for you, too." He just wants to sit here, feeling Steven's hand on his head, for the rest of the night.

But of course that can't happen. Steven's hands are his own. He looks over. "I... I guess. I'm not really helping with that, either, am I?" He swallows. "You can tell me about it, if you want. I promise I won't cry again."

He nods, taking that in, meeting Steven's gaze. "Okay. I mean... Forgive me if I... act fake, okay? Sometimes it's hard to tell when I'm being real and when I'm not." He's been putting on acts for so long in his life that he's kind of lost contact with his true self.