002 ✮ handwritten/hand-drawn text

[centurian]

[ Even if there were other important matters on his mind, Gerald Vakarian had been thinking about one thing in particular since the New Year began. So, after a productive day (or as productive as police officers stating "we've told you all we know about ThunderCorp, Agent Vakarian" in ten different ways can be"), he figures it's time to give this strange network a whirl yet again.

This time, he connects via a piece of paper, and he can't quite say that it makes him comfortable. Thankfully, his bold text doesn't quite give that away. ]

SO, SEEING HOW THIS IS ALL NOT A DREAM, I WAS WONDERING IF ANY OF YOU COULD TELL ME WHAT SORT OF THING THIS IS.

[ What follows is an assortment of images clearly glued onto paper by someone who is not a professional artist. ]



[ . . . ]

ACTUALLY... SCRATCH THAT.

[ This is exactly what he does, scribbling furiously over the image. ]



HERE, LET ME TRY TO ACTUALLY DRAW IT WITHOUT USING OLD NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES.

[ The following sketch demonstrates that while Gerald may be a man of many talents (and a truly remarkable programmer), art is definitelynot his strongest point. ]



YEAH... SOMETHING LIKE A SECOND ONE. IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SQUINT.

[ Well... it was worth a shot. But it still doesn't stop him from scribbling over that one too... ]



IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE A COMBINATION BETWEEN A DINOSAUR, A BIRD, AND A BUG THING.

IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS I REALLY WISH I MAJORED IN ART.

Comments

text;

[chernobolt]

it looks something like one of the characters who used to appear on a children's program i loved when i was young.

[THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ASK THE PUBLIC FOR OPINIONS GERALD]

text;

[centurian]

[ HE HAS PERHAPS LEARNED HIS LESSON. ]

...It does?

The first or second image?

[ He's just amazed that it looks like something, even if it wasn't quite the "something" he was hoping for. ]

Handwritten

[umbrael]

Modern Art

[Doyle writes, drawing an arrow to the collage.

The rest, though.]

But seriously, I have no idea. What's the context?

text (phone);

[centurian]

[ Gerald's back on his phone, since... he doesn't quite feel like staring at that truly hideous work. ]

Ha. That's almost insulting to modern art. Maybe I should try selling it, if my day job ends up not working out.

[ The next reply takes a moment, as he tries to word it properly. ]

Something like it was talking to me. I think it was in one of those echo-pulse things.

[ Or, he's gone completely crazy. ]

[Written]

[charcoalfeather]

Looks like... just about anything from back home.

[She's Japanese. I'm not sure what you expected.]

[text]

[centurian]

[ ...Just for a minute, Gerald wonders if his horrid art is actually going to get him somewhere. ]

Really?!

Where exactly are you from?

voice

[dominateartimus]

[...Well, that's something he wasn't expecting to see on the network. The mishmash of pasted together images were quite amusing. He spends several minutes looking over the images, seeing if he could get a 'pulse' from it, but nothing happens.]

Do you remember anything else about it? Or what was around it?

voice;

[centurian]

[ He debates replying in text, but he has used audio on this network before without too many questions.

He still has that damn "laryngitis", though. At this point, it was really starting to get a bit worrisome. ]

The weird thing about it was how normal it seemed. Like, it was just lecturing [ me ] someone about following protocol.

[ In fact, if they'd been human, it wouldn't have been entirely unlike some of his own conversations he'd had with co-workers. ]

[text]

[synonymouswithdookie]

i mean if i squint hard enough the second picture looks like some kinda rock monster

the first one is a naked chicken with a falcon head??

[text]

[centurian]

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a rock monster.

But the first one was supposed to have a dinosaur body. The lack of tail might've thrown that off.

[ along with the fact that that was just... probably one of the worst attempts at re-creating anything ever.

[text]

[theboywiththebook]

[The hand writing is clearly of someone who's only in grade school.]
It looks like it belongs in a horror movie or the drawings are just that scary.

[text]

[centurian]

[ And now he actually almost feels bad.

And... weirdly defensive. ]

Oh, come on! There's worse out there, right?

[jasminebloominginshadow]

That is either the most horrible rendition of anything I have ever seen or the most brilliant work of abstract art of all time

[centurian]

You know, you're not the first to say that.

I'm almost thinking of seeing how much one of these would go for online. One of them might even pay the bills.

[ If in doubt: use sarcasm. It's a time-honoured trait that Gerald's managed to master (if not perfect) ]

audio;

[alilyinthemoonslight]

That...

That's...

[She wants to be polite. He seems like a nice person.]

...

I can't say I recognize that, sir.

audio;

[centurian]

[ He's actually surprised with how many people are trying to be polite.

It's almost... sweet, in a really really sad sort of way. ]

Please, don't call me "sir".

[ a pause ]

That should only be reserved for someone with artistic skill.

[ And damn it, it makes him feel really really old. ]

text

[twelfthspark]

I don't think an art major would have helped much if you get my meaning.


Seriously though wtf is that thing?

text

[centurian]

They might've at least been able to draw it more accurately.

As for what it is, that's what I've been trying to figure out. I saw it. In an echo-pulse sort of thing.

Only far less... scribbly. Which is where my artistic "skill" came in.

[espigeonage]

[Julien is pretty sure that if he could still laugh like normal people, this would've done it.]

Well. That's a thing.

Did you see the whole body or just shoulders up?

[centurian]

An utter failure of a thing.

[ Thankfully, Gerald can still laugh. And he has to laugh, otherwise, he might just be crying at the hideousness of it. ]

Nah, it was also dressed in this really futuristic-looking "onesie" sort of thing. I'd have tried to draw that too, but this is about the limit of my "talent".

text;

[drama8om8]

Looks like Sanic to me, 8ro. ::::I

text;

[centurian]

[ He likes being referred to as "bro". It makes him feel young.

What he doesn't like is the fact that this sonic meme was apparently "past his time" (feeling far more comfortable with the classics, such as Sonichu) and he had to google it before replying. ]

Sadly, it lacked Sanic's impulsive desire to "go fast".

Also it was more of a greyish blue.

[video]

[stillshrill]

It's a grey! [ Anders' expression is one of mingled consternation and something approaching excitement. He always thought if there were any of those, the government would have long since freeze-dried them and trucked the remains far away from Area 51. ]

I'm going to ask you an uncomfortable question, I'm sorry, there's no way around it. You're not feeling any ... unexpected rectal pain, today, are you?

[text]

[centurian]

[ He spends a minute or two staring at the video feed, wondering if someone had actually just asked him that question.

Then he starts laughing a little, wondering when his life became so ridiculous. ]

You're not the first person to say it's an alien.

But as for the probing... that's a common myth, you know.

Usually, I've heard that they go for the eyes. But I assure you, I'm without any rectal or ocular pain.

[Handwritten]

[dododo]

Have you seen something like that recently?

[text]

[centurian]

Sort of. It kinda appeared in a memory. Like one of those echo-pulse things.

Have you seen something like this recently? Is this what a "Time Lord" looks like?

voice; everything about this post is precious

[worldmother]

Is that...

What is that?

voice; my goal is to please

[centurian]

[ It's truly a shock to him that more people aren't openly insulting his "artistry".

Perhaps it's a testament to the kindness of strangers. Or however that saying goes. He keeps audio, "laryngitis" as apparent as ever.]

I was hoping someone on here might have an inkling as to what it was.

But so far, I think the only thing I accomplished was creating modern art.

[reapsthewind]

I dunno.

Maybe it's a dinosaurbirdbugthing.

[centurian]

Then it would be perhaps one of the most boringly named things in the universe.

The sad thing was, I actually thought both of those images would be helpful.

text all the way

[testsonseashells]

[Mordin has never actually had an Echo triggered solely by a network post before, but there's a first time for everything.]

Turian. Alien species native to planet Palaven.

How much did you see?

permatext back

[centurian]

[ ...As it turned out, maybe Gerald's art wasn't quite as horrible as he thought. Because, what this guy had just said happened to make something click in his mind (and it was another one of those echo-pulses).

So, the thing in his memory was an alien after all. And what was perhaps most unsettling was that his "laryngitis" just happened to mirror a turian's vocal pattern. ]

Yeah. Palaven's the third planet in the Trebia system, right?

I was talking with one of them. Something about "protocol", which they seem pretty big on.

[ Which he is actually rather fond of himself. ]

[somesayinfire]

It's kind of like how I imagined one of the aliens in this book series I loved growing up to look like. That's an awkwardly constructed sentence, but you get my meaning. Maybe it's an alien? I mean, it makes as much sense as everything else.

Sorry, I know that's not exactly a novel idea. At least I'm not asking about your butt.

[centurian]

[ Well, he got his answer. He's still trying to sort through exactly what it all meant, but... ]

As it turns out, it's definitely an alien.

And, they definitely aren't the type to be interested in probing. In fact, I think they're more about order and discipline.

[ The fact that he knows all this is still really weirding him out. ]

[reincarnationception]

Did you need help with an artist rendition? If you can describe it well enough one of my specializations is portraits.

[centurian]

Maybe I should've asked for an actual artist right away. Damn.

But the most miraculous thing was that I think it actually worked.

[handwritten]

[moarnomsplz]

I think its an alien too.

What's the blue stuff? Like face paint?

[text]

[centurian]

[ Well... thanks to a certain doctor... ]

It's definitely an alien.

The blue stuff is... a colony marking. I think it has something to do with which planet they were born on.

[Audio]

[greenisthenewblack]

[The handwriting was naggingly familiar, and Sheila had finally caught enough of the audio conversations for everything to click into place.]

Aw, shit, Gerry?

[Audio]

[centurian]

[ There's a certain point in life when you just want to throw in the towel and give up on everything.

When a college girlfriend stumbles on your horrible art of an alien (that you may or may not actually be) on a network that shouldn't exist just might be one of those points. ]

Well, damn.

Sheila!?

[ In retrospect, maybe he should've known. ]

[amajin]

Oh my God for real? You were an alien?! That's pretty rad, but also man you're crap at art. Are those supposed to be mandibles?

So you were like a bird dinosaur alien, that sounds pretty cool. Wonder if you were from an alternate Earth where the dinosaurs weren't mostly killed off and evolved into something intelligent instead of just birds.

[centurian]

[ Thanks to Mordin, Gerald does have a clear idea of what turians are.

What he doesn't quite like is the distinct possibility that he might somehow be one. ]

First of all, I'm definitely 100% human, and the alien that I saw wasn't me. Secondly, yes, turians do have mandibles.

Thirdly, the planet they're from is called Palaven. It's not an alternate Earth, given the fact that it has two moons, and its atmosphere allows a lot more solar radiation through. It's why turians have trace amount of thulium in their skin.

[ And he really doesn't like how he seems to know quite a bit about turians all of a sudden.

Thanks a lot, Jin. ]

[Handwritten]

[originaloddcouple]

So a dinobugird?

Or maybe a binosug?

[text]

[centurian]

[ Oh, it's that weirdly adorable couple (seriously, he's picturing some cute elderly people). ]

Closeish.

As it turns out, it's actually called a "turian".

text;

[wirsinddiejager]

dude no offense but your art sucks.

text;

[centurian]

I think I might've gathered that little tidbit after someone compared it to a five year old. Though I guess I could say it was "avant garde".

But probably the saddest thing was that someone actually knew exactly what it was.

voice;

[metalbent]

Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise, your art is perfect.

[ ...............Not at all serious, she can't see what you just did. ]

But seriously, what's up with the image spam? Do you look like you have organs outside your body or something? Or, uh, did. Whatever.

voice;

[centurian]

[ He almost replies in text but decides against it just this once. So have a totally normal voice that doesn't sound off at all. ]

Wow, this just keeps getting better and better...

[ a pause ]

It wasn't me. That I um... drew, that is. I was just trying to figure out if anyone knew what sort of creature that was.

It turns out, someone did.

[ Which is perhaps the greatest miracle of all time, ok? ]

Text

[fusionjack]

[Bird-bug-dinosaur thing? Boy, there were some weird things being reported on the network. Maybe his two cents might be useful...?]

Bad as it is, it's interesting.

You remember it doing anything? Talking, maybe?

text;

[centurian]

Someone was able to decipher it. Still, I can't help but feel like the guy in my echo-pulse would've been really offended at my "rendition" of him.

He was arguing with me about police protocol. I guess you could say that he was some sort of alien police officer.

[ Which... might not have been the most exciting thing, but... at least it was somewhat familiar. ]