He listens, tears still falling from his eyes. The difference between Steven and Shotaro is clear enough to him, despite how little he really does remember about Shotaro. It's hard to separate the feelings Philip had for Shotaro from his own feelings for Steven... But there are definite differences.
And to be honest, his fairly recent memory of Philip that seemed to be his and Shotaro's first meeting... has unsettled him about Philip, just a bit. Philip's feelings about Shotaro in the later memory were strong... so strong... But that strength was the flip side of the nothing he felt about anything the moment they first met. Philip seemed almost completely hollow at that moment, the demon he named himself as.
His tears taper off for a moment. "Yeah, no... I'm sorry. I know... You're not Shotaro. I'm... not Philip." He smiles, weak and watery. "I just..." He trails off, knowing without his having to say it that Steven is aware that Lucas has some kind of feelings for him. Whether it's because of Philip's feelings for Shotaro, or because Steven himself is kind, mature, talented, cute, and so beyond him... Even he doesn't know. It seems so strangely perfect, like destiny, on paper. But real life is never that easy. He's known that since he was barely old enough to realize why his dad gave him those looks.
"I guess I'm really crying just because... when I felt that feeling between the three of them it made me realize..." He squeezes his fists on his knees, bent over like he's just run a mile, feeling the tears still there in his chest. He whispers, "...how lonely I am." It goes against his every instinct to admit that weakness in front of somebody. If anyone really knew how lonely he was, it could easily be exploited. He has people he considers friends, but he still keeps them at arm's length, doesn't tell them much about his inner life.
But for him, Steven seems... safe. Hell, if he had been Steven, he probably would already have taken advantage of himself. Steven has a lifetime of opportunities to use him, to manipulate him... He knows one thing that he and Philip share in common about the way they perceive their partners, even beyond the crush and the memories... Both he and Philip look on their respective partners as morally upright. Better than. Fundamentally good, in comparison to themselves. His assessment is quietly strengthened by Steven's gentleness, especially considering his obvious dismay at being perceived as the same as his alter ego.
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And to be honest, his fairly recent memory of Philip that seemed to be his and Shotaro's first meeting... has unsettled him about Philip, just a bit. Philip's feelings about Shotaro in the later memory were strong... so strong... But that strength was the flip side of the nothing he felt about anything the moment they first met. Philip seemed almost completely hollow at that moment, the demon he named himself as.
His tears taper off for a moment. "Yeah, no... I'm sorry. I know... You're not Shotaro. I'm... not Philip." He smiles, weak and watery. "I just..." He trails off, knowing without his having to say it that Steven is aware that Lucas has some kind of feelings for him. Whether it's because of Philip's feelings for Shotaro, or because Steven himself is kind, mature, talented, cute, and so beyond him... Even he doesn't know. It seems so strangely perfect, like destiny, on paper. But real life is never that easy. He's known that since he was barely old enough to realize why his dad gave him those looks.
"I guess I'm really crying just because... when I felt that feeling between the three of them it made me realize..." He squeezes his fists on his knees, bent over like he's just run a mile, feeling the tears still there in his chest. He whispers, "...how lonely I am." It goes against his every instinct to admit that weakness in front of somebody. If anyone really knew how lonely he was, it could easily be exploited. He has people he considers friends, but he still keeps them at arm's length, doesn't tell them much about his inner life.
But for him, Steven seems... safe. Hell, if he had been Steven, he probably would already have taken advantage of himself. Steven has a lifetime of opportunities to use him, to manipulate him... He knows one thing that he and Philip share in common about the way they perceive their partners, even beyond the crush and the memories... Both he and Philip look on their respective partners as morally upright. Better than. Fundamentally good, in comparison to themselves. His assessment is quietly strengthened by Steven's gentleness, especially considering his obvious dismay at being perceived as the same as his alter ego.