[video] posted right in the middle of the arrests

[grannyfucker]

[The video feed is shaking a little--Jovan is doing his best to hold the phone still, but he is only human. The video is focusing on the live broadcast of Sherman's and Edwards's arrests. As Edwards is shown on-screen to be hauled out in handcuffs, Jovan puts on a falsetto voice--it's soft, but he's close enough to the mic for it to be audible.]

Ohhh, ohh no! They've finally caught me! My own men have turned on me! After--after all I've done for them, enhancing them with corkscrew dicks and enormous elastic poop chutes, spicing up their sex lives...bending the governor right over my desk to give a live demonstration--this is how they thank me?!

Mark my words, as soon as I get out of these bondage cuffs, I'll be coming back! I'm coming back to get my--my alien armpit fuckbuddy AND Sherman's anus with my massive rhino dick...cocked like a semi-automatic in my hand. And then--and then, I'm busting out of everything standing in my way like some Die Hard shit...or my name isn't SIMON FUCKING EDWARDS!

[Then, as the broadcast goes back to showing the news anchor discussing the fiasco, there is some soft, breathy laughter. Then the video ends.]

Comments

text;

[hawaiianheir]

[OH NO HELP LAUGHING TOO HARD]

10/fucking 10

video

[pokebonnet]

AND IT'S ONLY WHAT YOU DESERVE YOU HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MAN. I TOLD THE G-MEN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!!!!

[Granny's wrath is truly that of the righteous old lady.]

text;

[drama8om8]

Goodnight, sweet prince. ::::'(
8efore you go to jail, I HAVE to know: will your rhino dick 8e put on trial separ8tely? I figure it pro8a8ly counts as its own entity.

text;

[grannyfucker]

well i'm glaf to have met your standards

when can i expect a glowing new york times review?

text

[grannyfucker]

oh noooooo you sure dd get me! i'll be sure to get back at you when i'm out of herem you nayghty scallywaf!

(p.s. they let me use a vomputer in prison)

text;

[grannyfucker]

they're treating it as an accomplice

text

[dirtdevil]

have you considered doing puppet shows for preschoolers? i think you've got what it takes.

text;

[drama8om8]

So they don't realise that it was the mastermind all along????????
The F8I have 8een outwitted after all. Curse you, Simon Fucking Edwards!

text;

[grannyfucker]

whoa hey

are you trying to tell me uou dont think i could come up with this big fucking a;lien scgeme all on my own?

text

[grannyfucker]

well what with my rhino cock horniness and penchant for shoving uit ibto any living orifice i find, i dont think they;d be too keen on letting me hsndle that shit

text;

[drama8om8]

Dude. You can't TYPE COHERENTLY all on your own. I think 8eing the 8rains 8ehind the alien dongs is a LITTLE 8eyond you!

(I am aware of the irony here.)

text;

[grannyfucker]

hey fuck you i can tyupe perfectly coherently! you try giving perfectly typed responses when you've only got one hand to work with!

i am more than capable of scheming shit myself, come on, we both know this. remember that beautiful work of autobiographival fanfic we wwrote together that made it all the way to christie? that was a pure stroke of GHENIUS

text;

[drama8om8]

Hey! Scheming-intelligence 8n't the same thing as smut-writing genius.
I should know! 8eing some8ody who is gifted with 8oth of those things.
Why only the one hand, 8tw? Is that what you were pissed at Alan a8out, or did you just strain it from the effort involved in stimul8ting a giant rhino peen????????

[text]

[synonymouswithdookie]

jesus

this fills me with a twisted joy i have never before experienced

[text]

[grannyfucker]

oh trust me when i get outta here i'll showyou what it reallt means to be filled with a twisted joy!!

(the twisted oy is my cock)

text;

[grannyfucker]

is that si? well then i suppose you wouldnt mind saring with the vlass what sort of schemes you've intelligized, huh?

as for my hand...what can i say? its both. makes it hard to tpe when you're using one and to tame the raging rhincockeros--especially when your boyfriend completely BROKE IT to begin with

text;

[occasus]

you are my favourite person on this fucking network

text;

[grannyfucker]

i am so glad there are oeople ut there who can ecognize greatness when they see it

even if the police can't

[text]

[synonymouswithdookie]

you mean like a duck cock right

cuz they have like corkscrew cocks

[wonk]

how do u respond 2 the allegations that u r actually a hot water bottle w fands

*fangs

video

[pokebonnet]

[SUPER GRANNY GLARE.]

If you do, I'll spank you just like I did Eri.

vidya

[twelfthspark]

[If you describe what you just heard as a gigglesnort, Arlene will cut you. ... But that's exactly what it was.]

I'm not sure if I love you right now, or just want to murder you for the mental images.

text

[grannyfucker]

[He nearly spits water all over the computer screen.]

are you being seruis right now?

[text]

[grannyfucker]

no, thats sherman's cock, h;s being held in anther cell frm mine

i ment my gigantic 50 goot trouser python made of indestructible mammoth rhino

[grannyfucker]

if you look closely you'll actually notice that thar;s sherman, not me

(he's retty happy with it, he's always wanted to be a douche)