savetheearth | Entry #A-4: "Ante" [February 21, Text]

Though the police and the Blood Keys obviously represent a threat to many numbered individuals, I have a question about organized religion, and what pulses might mean when framed within certain philosophical contexts. No matter how natural it might feel, if there really is another being nudging its way into an existing consciousness, changing a person's aptitudes, physical attributes and even their personality... there have to be at least a few churches that would consider that demonic possession, right? Has anyone tried to reconcile what's happening with influential religious practices, and do we have any resources for assisting anyone who might wind up the subject of an attempted exorcism? Those still happen today, they can be extremely dangerous, and I'm concerned about the possibility of frightened numbered people seeking out such assistance, or being subjected to it by their families and communities. Thinking you're crazy is one thing, but sincerely believing that the devil is wielding you as an instrument is another entirely. Probably not something that the FAQ page can successfully assuage, for the most tenaciously convinced.

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I...

[Rrrrray has no idea how to reply to this. Ray you are so bad at words.]

No.

I mean. I hadn't thought of it that way, but I don't hate you. Everyone's situation is different.

[Nooo Ray this is not your fault.]

OK. I just wanted to make sure... I don't think I could look these people's mothers in the eyes, but if you don't hate me, I guess it's not so bad.

[He runs a fingertip over Joe's ears thoughtfully.]

You don't look at these often because it makes you sad?

[you and Joe's goddamn ears.

Ray is quiet for a moment before standing up and returning to the closet. He lowers himself to his knees next to L, staring at the photo.]

It does make me sad.

[he reaches over and turns the album towards himself, his thumb lingering on the edge of the photo as he speaks]

It reminds me that I'm alive, and they aren't. That I shouldn't be here. I would have traded places with any one of them if I could have.

I wouldn't.

[He sounds almost apologetic when he says it.]

I really am glad I'm here. Whether or not I deserve it... that's how it is, and I might as well make the best of it.

You do deserve it.

[They deserved it too, he wants to say, but he stops himself.

Frankly, he isn't so sure he deserves it, but he's not about to say that either.]

But you're right. Just gotta make the best of it.

I'm trying. I know that these pulses are difficult for some people, but they're the best thing that's ever happened to me, so far.

[He twists at a strand of his hair as his dark eyes continue to drink in the pictures of Ray's dead companions.]

There's even a girl I like. I'm trying to figure out how to ask her out. How did you ask out your boyfriend? Or did he ask you out?

[Well, at least someone was getting something positive out of these pulses.]

Oh God. I don't even know, we were both like brand new to the network and just started chatting one day. And by chatting I mean he was totally hitting on me and I was all 'you know what, fuck it' and rolled with it. We caught a movie and hung out and shit and that was all I figured it would be. Hell, before I met him I'd never seen myself going out with a dude.

But here I am, going out with a dude.

So, hitting on you worked? He must have been good at it if you didn't even know you liked men that way. What did he say? I'm not planning to plagiarize his technique, I'd just like an idea of how to do it.

I can't. Like. Duplicate it. It's impossible. It's like a super power.

She's way out of my league. Some advice, at least, would be really appreciated.

[THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD MUCH SUCCESS ROMANTICALLY.]

Advice.

Um.

[WOW RAY IS REALLY BAD AT THIS]

Shit, I don't know, I just act like my normal asshole self and somehow it works out.

I dunno. Start with something small. Like ask her to a movie or something, or out to lunch. Not dinner. Dinner might come off as too romantic-like or something.

Yeah... that sounds like a good idea. I think that could work.

How do I know if she's into it?

[Ray, somehow he's labeled you a guru. I am so sorry.]

Aaaeeennnnnnnnhhh...

[That's the sound of Ray thinking really, really hard.]

I honestly have no idea. I'm bad at chicks.

But you're in a relationship with someone. So your ideas are automatically pretty valid, whereas my experience is slim to the point of being almost nonexistent. Making the best of all this, though, I kind of want that to change.

Yeah well.

I mean, I think I was more in the same position as this chick you're into than yours.

Then your input is even more valuable. I have next to no insight about this girl and more than a few things working against me.

What were the first things you noticed about your boyfriend? How did he make you feel at first? I can guess already that you didn't really notice his ears...

I think the first like, physical things I noticed was that he had purple streaks in his hair and apparently liked to dress as flamboyantly as possible. And he made me feel...

Confused. At first.

Did the confusion start going away when he began giving you presents? Does he give you presents?

Not really? And the confusion just kinda went away on it's own.

Now I'm confused, though... is it normal to stop being confused, and to not give gifts? Or is your relationship a total anomaly in that sense?

Everything about my entire life feels like an anomaly.

Yes... I suppose that's fair.

I've just never done anything like this before. I've messed up enough in my life that I don't have a chance to do over again, and I'd rather not this time. That's all.

Just jump in and try not to make an ass of yourself? That's what I'd do.

That's probably easier said than done. It's really hard not to make an ass of myself. That's almost my only redeeming feature, but I think impressing a girl is different from impressing novelty-seeking hipsters.

Entry #A-4: "Ante" [February 21, Text]

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