He had mixed feelings about that answer. On the one hand, he didn't care to prompt the memory to return to her, and not just because of the death factor -- or rather, his death. There was the death of the innocent girl he had caused, too, and it was shameful.
But on the other, he hadn't told anyone about the memory and the prospect of sharing the weight with another was awfully appealing, if for no other reason than to get it out of the confines of his skull.
He lowered his eyes to his unfinished drink. Licking his lips, he struggled to find a place to start, then said, "There was a girl in the church that hated what I was-- hated Others. Her hair was turning white because-- because of Belief, but she didn't believe it was Belief causing it. She thought her change was divine in nature.
"I... I hypnotized one of her church mates into leading her into a house. I asked her about Belief, about why-- why wouldn't the church use Belief to make us-- Others like us, who had to prey on people to survive-- I asked why they wouldn't change that. They could, you know? They could. They had the numbers. They had the authority on the city."
He spoke with rising dismay, as if he'd experienced this all first-hand. As if he was that Alex, and that Alex's opinions and emotions were his own.
"They could, but they didn't. And she wouldn't give me a straight answer. So I..." His fingers curled around his neck and his palm pressed further into it. "I wanted her to kill me because I didn't want to change anymore-- didn't want to be at the mercy of what others thought of vampires-- They weren't even thinking of me, but it was enough to change me."
He lifted his hand, grasped at nothing in front of him. "And I wanted her to own that. If she was going to accept the benefits of Belief, then I wanted her to accept the consequences of it, too."
Shoulders slumping, he lowered his hand and risked a glance at Reilanin. "Did you- Did you get it?" he asked, hoping she had so that he wouldn't have to speak of the rest.
no subject
But on the other, he hadn't told anyone about the memory and the prospect of sharing the weight with another was awfully appealing, if for no other reason than to get it out of the confines of his skull.
He lowered his eyes to his unfinished drink. Licking his lips, he struggled to find a place to start, then said, "There was a girl in the church that hated what I was-- hated Others. Her hair was turning white because-- because of Belief, but she didn't believe it was Belief causing it. She thought her change was divine in nature.
"I... I hypnotized one of her church mates into leading her into a house. I asked her about Belief, about why-- why wouldn't the church use Belief to make us-- Others like us, who had to prey on people to survive-- I asked why they wouldn't change that. They could, you know? They could. They had the numbers. They had the authority on the city."
He spoke with rising dismay, as if he'd experienced this all first-hand. As if he was that Alex, and that Alex's opinions and emotions were his own.
"They could, but they didn't. And she wouldn't give me a straight answer. So I..." His fingers curled around his neck and his palm pressed further into it. "I wanted her to kill me because I didn't want to change anymore-- didn't want to be at the mercy of what others thought of vampires-- They weren't even thinking of me, but it was enough to change me."
He lifted his hand, grasped at nothing in front of him. "And I wanted her to own that. If she was going to accept the benefits of Belief, then I wanted her to accept the consequences of it, too."
Shoulders slumping, he lowered his hand and risked a glance at Reilanin. "Did you- Did you get it?" he asked, hoping she had so that he wouldn't have to speak of the rest.