savetheearth | [Closed]

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Who: Isabela and Julien
Where: Wherever the Thorssons are getting together for Christmas - probably the mountain.
When: Forwards-dated, December 25. I'm counting on this game to do nothing completely and utterly shattering before then!
What: Making up is hard to do

This get-together was a little more somber than Thanksgiving had been. Unlike then, Julien had decided he wouldn't try and keep up with any of the dwarves when it came time for dinner. "Any" had gone from three to two, anyway. Killian and Hjalti seemed so slight now. And it was still a pang to see Isabela.

Down here his head was in peril from the low ceilings. They knew he had trouble under the mountain and it was depressing to either be stuck bent over or be exiled to the more public open areas while everyone moved around inside, so a lot of this was happening in those public areas. He was grateful. His help hanging things high up was good for something, at least.

It was good to be here.

The meal wouldn't be ready for an hour at least yet. Trying to ignore the smells from the kitchen Julien stopped by the snack table, crouching down to get assorted nuts into a cup. Tables made for dwarves seemed ludicrously low to him.

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As it turned out, Isabela happened to be arriving at the same table at the same time.

"Hungry, Blue?"

She was smiling in that teasing way of hers, but the humor wasn't quite genuine. There was something... anxious in her manner that robbed the joy from what would have been a familiar gesture.

He nodded at her. It was easier to talk over the network, but he could manage here too.

"They let me help in the kitchen, but won't let me snack on things while I'm at it," he groused good-naturedly, responding in kind though his guard was up. "Tyrants. I bet they don't let their kids lick cake batter, either."

"Who knew they'd be so protective of the food?" she said, half a quip, half musing.

Then she brushed back a lock of her hair, a rare gesture from her.
"Y'know, Blue... I think we're overdue for a talk. Wanna go somewhere quiet?"

He blinked inner eyelids and put the cup down, unsure of what he should think. Was Isabela in trouble? He should hear her out, whatever this was.

"Sure," he told her cautiously. "There's a courtyard with a little fountain just down the street. No squeezing under tiny doors required."

"As long as no one's going to see. Or hear," she agreed.

She followed him off to a quiet spot, not saying a word until they got there.

"...damn it, Blue, I'm bad at this. I've told you I'm bad at this. But..." She sighed. "You deserve better than what I've given you."

"No worries, the fountain should take care of that." Julien paused to put a cashew into his mouth and turned out away from most of the lights and cheer. There was too much of the mountain, even this nice inhabitable part, to bother decorating much of it. At least there was enough light to see by, even for him.

He didn't really fit with the aesthetic here. Even with his wings folded he took up space dwarves or even humans didn't. Julien sat on a low bench besides the fountain, surrounded by feathers, and looked up at her, blinking. "Oh. You mean..."

It was his nature to try and see the best in people, but it had hurt, her pulling away. Julien ducked his head and took an interest in the electric cables snaking across the stone floor. "You had your reasons," he said lamely, knowing only that she had lost interest.

"Not the reasons you're thinking," she said, shaking her head. "I didn't want to hurt you. But I had a feeling it was going to happen sooner or later. You're... you're just too sweet for someone like me. It doesn't excuse what I did. I knew what I was doing. I knew it was going to hurt. I was a selfish bitch. But... it just seemed like the best way to protect myself at the time."

He didn't understand. On the floor he shifted his feet, clasped one with the handlike end of the other. If he only knew what to say! "So... what. You -" broke up with me-"pulled out because you didn't feel safe?"

"God, Blue, don't say it like that, that makes it sound even worse. Besides, since when have you known me to give a fuck about safety?" she groaned, running fingers through her hair.

"I mean, I was down there in that rubble with you. Trying to make sure neither of us died. Fuck, I thought I was going to lose you. And it would have been fine--maybe--but then you went and you told me you loved me... and I just panicked."

"Love is the most dangerous thing in the world, Blue. It's a lie. Just another way to fuck people over. I know. I have to write the shit, and no one in their right mind actually wants a relationship like you see in those books. It's unhealthy as fuck, and anyone who says otherwise is stupid." She shook her head.

"No one has ever told me they loved me and meant it. My mother used it to manipulate me. Still does. My stepfather uses it as an excuse to try and worm his way into my pants, the sick bastard. And my husband--" She laughed, short and harsh and cold. "Well, nevermind him. He's dead now, and good riddance. The point is, I can't trust it. Can't trust it given to me, can't trust me giving it to anyone else."

A long sigh.
"We had a good thing going, Blue. But as soon as you said that, I got scared. Scared that it was just going to fuck everything up if we started having feelings for each other. So I thought it would be better to just cut it off then and there, before it could get ugly. I figured it would hurt less that way. For both of us. I know I should have said something. You didn't deserve it the way I dealt it. And... I'm sorry."

Julien raised his head and looked at her, eyes wide.

Had he said he loved her? Most of that day was a blur. Adrenaline and tightly-controlled panic and the amazing relief when she'd been there, when she'd pulled him out- yes, he had said it. Julien might have said it to anyone who'd helped him like that. He loved people easily. A smile or a word, the least sign of decency concealed by rudeness, anything could set him off. He knew it never lasted, that even when it was returned it didn't mean much. There was no power or permanence in love - it was pleasure and pain, and it faded and bloomed again somewhere else.

So Julien would have loved anyone who had saved him from that flooding pit. But not in the same way. Not before and after, and maybe even now. Knowing what love was to Isabela...

He wanted to swallow, but these days his mouth was always dry. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't realize it was like that. It's..." She had admitted to fault, and he knew she was right. But there was no desire in him to point fingers. Surely, some of it was his anyway. "I knew you wanted everything casual. I thought that was what I wanted too, but I didn't... watch myself right." He wasn't someone who could be loved, not for long.

Edited 2014-12-30 05:48 (UTC)

She shrugged.
"Well, it's not like I go around telling people about that sort of thing. I've got images to uphold and whatnot."

Her eyes narrowed warily.
"But what do you mean, you didn't watch yourself right?"

Julien tried a smile.

"I liked being close to you, but I didn't really think it meant that much." More to him than her, certainly. She'd provided for him, sheltered him, been there for his molt. What had he done for her? It didn't feel like a whole lot, now. "Somehow I missed that we were getting close enough to crowd, that I... well, I should have kept more distance."

"We had fun. I guess too much of it. I let you get that close, and well..." She shrugged. "I should have warned you off sooner, or something. It's bad news falling for a girl like me. All I do is hurt people, sooner or later. Even people I care about. Which is why I act like I don't."

She'd as much as admitted that she did care about him - well, that would explain wanting to talk about it, too. Julien licked his lips with his pointed tongue and leaned forwards where he sat.

"You did hurt me. I'm sorry things went like they did. But I'm tougher than I look." Why had she taken him aside? Even with the uncertain light under the mountain he could read the pain in her face. It twisted at his heart. "Thank you. For telling me." He paused and, awkwardly, said, "I... still care about you, Red. I never meant to hurt you with it."

Edited 2014-12-30 06:33 (UTC)

"What's done is done. We can't go back and change it. I... just wanted to let you know I didn't like leaving it that way. It wasn't fair to you. And... I don't know. Maybe make it up to you. Somehow. If I even deserve that chance," she said.

"Well." It would have been safer to say something noncommittal like we'll see. People didn't stay with him, not really. Even ones who really, truly cared about him moved along eventually. Why lift old hopes?

Still it was clear to him that even if he would have thought he'd stay away, before... he couldn't. He liked the sentiment. He knew it was genuine. Neither of them were perfect.

Heart rate picking up, he unfolded a wing and turned it so that if it had been a normal arm it would have been palm-up. His snowy white feathers stuck out far beyond what was left of his hand, but didn't touch her. "It's Christmas, isn't it? If you want - well, what better time?"

She smiled a little.
"Thanks, Blue. But, like I said, I'm bad at this. What would you want from me?"

"Nothing you don't want. If you want to be more distant than we were for a while there, that's cool. If you want to just... start new, that's cool too." Even if - though - he'd been oblivious and intended nothing bad, he'd hurt her too.

Julien brushed two velvet-soft feathers against her forearm. "I can't pretend nothing happened and just take up where we were. Maybe we can get back there someday, if you want." He smiled. "I've missed you, though. Whatever you are to me, or I am to you, I want you back in my life."

"Yeah, no. It happened. Best to acknowledge it and move on. Whatever we are, I really... don't want to hurt you again, Blue. I didn't like it the first time, and I won't like if it happens again," she admitted.

"The difference is I know, now," he insisted gently. "So do you. It'll make me sad if you tell me to back off for a couple weeks here and there, but I can handle it. I want you to be happy, not muddling through worried about hurting me. We can work something out."

"Yeah, okay." She ran fingers through her hair.

"Look, again, I'm really sorry. I tried to warn you I was bad at these kinds of things. So... Start over?"

He wasn't sure how far he could trust her, though he didn't see any signs she was lying.

"It'll be okay. Thank you for telling me." It was a brave thing to do.

"So..." Starting over, huh? He smiled. "So, hey. I can't offer to buy you a drink here, but I can say you look so good."

She laughed.

"Thanks, Blue. Probably best if we kick things off sober this time, though, anyway. There's a lot to make up for, and, well, I don't think alcohol's going to help."

"All right."

Slowly - he's long learned not to get up in a hurry - Julien rises to his feet and offers what's left of a hand, the red standing out against his white wing.

"You wanna dance, maybe? I've got music on my phone."

And for a moment, she's positively dumbfounded. But, slowly a smile crossed her lips.

"Yeah, sure. I'll do my best not to step on your feet."

He smiles.

"Take your shoes off and I won't mind. 'Course, the floor's cold. If you did that you'd have to keep your feet on mine. Just to be comfortable."

"Is this your way of sweeping me off my feet, Blue?" Gentle teasing, but the shoes still came off.

The floor is stone and a little on the chilly side. Julien's feet aren't actually a whole lot better, handlike and covered in scales, but they're quite warm. "I like to ask! I was raised polite. Is 'Do You Wanna Know' too overplayed? Tell me if you've got a song."

She shook her head.
"No. I'm not really the sort to use music for inspiration. It's nice, but.. it's not me. Too hackneyed. I'll take whatever you've got."

'Do You Wanna Know' was, he thought then, maybe too sincere and yearning. Julien used his feathers to fish out the Apostle's tiny, tiny phone and found a playlist he knew wouldn't contain it. He got it on speaker and into his breast pocket as the first song starts.

"I just like dancing. Elbow me if you get a cheese overload, all right?"

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